H1N1

I know. EVERYONE is talking about H1N1. But, I need to tell a story. I've never been so embarrassed in my whole entire life as I was last Friday night. I met 2 of my friends for drinks at a restaurant/bar. We also met up with another mom that one of my friends knows. For the purpose of this story, let's call her D.

My "Friend", H (I use that "friend" term loosely...) is very opinionated and VERY set her in ways. Fine. I always welcome a healthy debate. In fact, I like RATIONALLY discussing important events. As with a lot of people, the debate came up about H1N1. Poor D. This was the first time meeting H. And I wanted to just disappear under the table and run away.

D has a VERY sick child. In fact, if her child doesn't get a bone marrow transplant, he might very well die within 3 years. It's a complicated situation and even though D's son is on the registry, there is little hope that a perfect match will come up. My heart breaks for D. She had just mentioned that she had the H1N1 vaccine on Friday afternoon. Her son, her daughter and herself got the vaccine.

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that Jillian is immune-compromised. We, as a family, have decided not to get the vaccine. I've done a lot of research and I just don't feel comfortable, just for OUR family. That doesn't mean that I think less of you if you decide to get the vaccine. H is strongly against the vaccine. Or any vaccines for that matter. Could she just leave it at that when D had said they got the vaccine? Nope. Of course not. What started as a healthy debate, became QUITE heated after a few moments.

Myself, my friend B and D were all saying that we understand H's position. But could H understand where WE were coming from? We're all mothers of immune-compromised children. I support ANYONE that makes decisions for their family. And that's why I felt we needed to stick up for D.

I was so upset that I wanted to cry and run away. I felt so bad for D, meeting us for the first time and getting a tongue lashing because she's trying her hardest to protect her terminally ill son. It's fine to feel passionate about something you feel strongly about. I get that. But when you start putting other parents down? That's not ok with me. H could have dropped the conversation, instead, she was yelling at us over a bar. She hasn't talked to us since the "incident". And you know what? I'm glad. I don't need a toxic relationship in my life. I have enough of that.

Remembrance Day

In Flanders Fields
By John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly.
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Both my grandfathers have served in the Canadian military (both in the Air force) My dad is in the navy, my uncle is in the army. My dad and uncle are still on active duty, even at their age of 55 and 53. They are proud to serve for our country and I'm proud of them for doing it.

The above poem was written by a surgeon in the Canadian Military, during WW1. It's one of my favourites and I sang a version of it in high school, it's really moving and definitely explains what it was like to be there in WW1.

So today, please take a moment to remember our solders who have fought for our lives (regardless if you live in Canada or the US) THEY'RE the reason we can enjoy freedom in our countries.

Ever feel isolated??

As you may or may not know, Adam and I moved to Toronto 2.5 years ago. Lauren was only 7 months old at the time. And now? Lauren will be 3 next month and we have Jillian who is now a year old.

As much as I've tried to make friends here, I'm not having much luck. We actually don't have any specialists this week (I realize, this week is almost over). I could have been using this time to potty train Lauren. Hasn't happened. Instead, I haven't showered in days (not like me) and throwing pity parties for myself. Today's pity party? I gave Jillian a bath with Lauren. They LOVE bath time together. I usually get in the tub with them, but I decided to try to just hold Jillian in the tub. Jillian's tone is SO high in her legs that she can't even get into a sitting position. I knew she couldn't sit unassisted, but didn't know it was this bad.

I do 2-3 hours of physical therapy exercises a day. And she can't sit up. I know that kids develop at their own pace, but, I feel so bad for her. Although, I felt like the worlds worst human this week. Another mom to a CP child reached out to me. I met her on Monday. Her son is much worse than Jillian. No muscle tone, 14 lbs and 14 months old. He's listed as failure to thrive and CPS is involved. I felt so bad for this family. I came home feeling so bad for this family. And then realized how horrible I was. I have NEVER thought about any kid with any disability as different. This terrified me. I came home, feeling terrible. Adam kindly pointed out that Jillian's diagnosis is SO new and SO raw that I can't take on other peoples problems right now. And you know what? He's right. I've always been one to help someone in need and I really can't this time. I need to take care of myself and MY family.

I miss my family and friends in Nova Scotia. What I need more than anything right now is love and support. Hugs are always good too. I just can't motivate myself. I feel alone, sheltered and miserable. I hate feeling like this. Since I am always so upbeat, this is really dragging me down.

A giveaway!!!

Are you excited?!?! Well. Don't be. Yet. Yes, it's true that I'll be hoping to add giveaways to my blog, but today?! You'll get a wonderful opportunity!! I'm giving away my 2 children! Aren't you LUCKY!? Seriously. Who wouldn't love to have 2 gently used children?! Look! I'll show you how cute they are!!

Here's exhibit A- Lauren Danielle (we've recently been corrected by the almost 3 year old that her name is Lauren DANIELLE.)



Here's exhibit B- Jillian Nicole



Exhibit A has recently become someone I don't even recognize anymore... She's demanding, bossy, and already looks at me like I have 8 heads. I thought I had a few more years before THAT happened.

Exhibit B has a lung infection. This is requiring 2 doses of pulmicourt (steroids) via nebulizer and 3 doses of ventolin. But, don't give her the ventolin close to bedtime. Nope! It makes her heart race and she gets all jittery and irritable.

I recently asked Adam what he thought we'd be doing right now if we didn't have children. We'd be well rested and most certainly rich. I mean I'm painting a beautiful picture, aren't I?

Serious inquiries only. Because if someone doesn't take them soon, I might be in a padded cell.

Note to self...

...When being a "good" mother, and deciding to take you 2 and 3/4 year old out to the mall, purposely waiting until after a nap, and listening to said 2 and 3/4 year olds complaints that she never gets to walk, ALWAYS TAKE A STROLLER.

Lauren has complained more than once that I never let her walk when we go to a mall. So, being the nice mommy I am, I decided to take her out and let her walk! Without the backup of a stroller. Lauren thought walking was fabulous for about 2.5 minutes. Then she was DEMANDING "UP! UP! UP!" have you ever picked up a wiggling 28 lb sack of flour?! Well, I did today. Over and over. She was not interested in walking anywhere.

Dear Lauren. What happened to the "nice" girl I usually take out in public? I did not like you today. I didn't like how you made people stare at your dear old mother. And perhaps I'm not really old, however, I felt it today. Maybe I'm too out of shape for this job?! Maybe I should have passed a physical before having children.

Makes me want to keep her inside for the rest of the winter. Not to mention we're all still sick with a cold from well, you know. Let's just say it's not heaven. I realized though, what was bothering my lovely daughter. She had heard hubs and I discuss the possibility of taking Jillian to the hospital because her phlegmy sounding cough was terrible. She thought hubs had taken Jillian to the hospital and she wasn't going to be home when we got there. I assured her over and over Jillian was fine, we didn't have to take her anywhere. Yet. Here's hoping it gets better by tomorrow, or we might be making a trip to our friendly pediatrician.

Wordless Wednesday

Hi Everyone!! Here's another installment of WW. Here's a picture that was taken this weekend, I took Lauren to see the Wiggles! She was so excited!!! This is one of my new favourite pictures. :) We try to spend some 1 on 1 time with Lauren every weekend.

Short Entry tonight...

Well, we now have a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. It's hitting me much more hard than I thought it would. I kinda KNEW it was coming, but, was happy living in my own little world for a while! I KNOW that we'll be ok, but, I just worry since this diagnosis will stick with her for the rest of her life. We won't know how severe it is for another year or so. That's the hard part. Oh? And another thing? She can regress. Yep. Totally awesome. I love Jillian and of course Lauren. And I just want to do what's best for both of them. We have to add a BUNCH of services to Jillian's team and now I really don't know when I'm going to have time to wash my hair! ;) I already do about 2-3 hours (broken up) of physical therapy with her a day. Now, we're adding Speech language pathology (for 10 minutes a day) when she was we were going to have to add more time, I panicked. I was worried I wouldn't have any time to pee anymore! I'm ready to fight this head on. so yes, I will have my days of woe is me, or poor Jillian, and I think it's totally normal. Please just bear with me until I get my bearings.

On a completely different note, I'm taking Lauren to see the Wiggles on Saturday. I think she's going to LOVE it! I've kept it a secret from her for a WHILE! Lauren and I always do something together on the weekends, and this is just something a little extra!